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My Witness |
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Written by Kevin Lester
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01/08/2009 12:17 AM UTC |
I was saved early on at the age of 7. I had been in church since I was 2 weeks old. Through all of the sleeping, crawling under pews and building forts out of hymnals, preachers were impressed with how much actually stuck when they talked to me. I was the good little boy that all the little old ladies pinched on the cheek and all the parents pointed out to their own children as an example of what to be.
As I grew, I began to think too little of my salvation. What did my story have to offer? What can a good little church boy have to teach the world about God. Did God actually do all that much "saving" me. I mean what had I really done wrong. I was actually envious when I heard stories of drug addicts, murderers, and criminals who God had saved from themselves. They had great testimonies of God's Grace and love. They showed how a life can be turned around. In fact, they seemed to be more on fire for God and more fruitful than I was. As foolish as it sounds I regretted not having went down a bad road so that I could actually be proof of God and his plan to save humanity.
I went on like this through my teenage years and my college years. I never strayed too far from God, but I was never too close to Him either. I would eventually feel guilty and go to church for a while, but then get distracted with life again. I felt as though I was living the life of a good boy and God was pleased with that.
This pattern came to a head a few years ago. I reached the point where I was resenting God somewhat. Things were not progressing as quickly as I wanted. I had no children. I had no fancy house with the screen porch in the country. No macked out basement with a theater system. I was stuck in Atlanta in a townhouse I hated. Living in the city when I was a country boy. At the time, hating my work. God had been holding me by the hand taking me along on the path He wanted for me. Suddenly I snatched my hand away, stuck my lip out and asked him the question..."Where's mine? I've been a good boy. You owe me." Like the prodigal son, I wanted mine now. I was tired of waiting on the old man. This lead to many sleepless nights. Many angry words spoken. It ate me up. Thankfully he did not leave me to my own foolishness and wait for me to hit rock bottom like in the parable.
A while after that I was at a bible study back home. A preacher buddy of mine was teaching. I don't even remember what scripture it was on. But his words, God's Words sent to me, flipped a switch that day. What he said wasn't profound. It wasn't some amazing interpretation on some obscure text. It was the same thing that Jesus did many times over in his ministry. He asked a simple question. And the answer to that question opened up the truth, more truth than I could stand almost. He simply asked, "What does God owe you?" The answer came in a rush to my mind. "Nothing." I was floored. Not literally of course. I'm an evangelical but I wouldn't classify myself as a charismatic. :)
That was the beginning of a 20+ year Christian slowly being awakened to the truth of who God is and who I was and what He had done for me. Someone who should be a wily veteran at this point was just starting to get it. Slowly over the course of the next few weeks and years I have back tracked some and pieced together that beautiful story that is my life up until this point.
I really began to understand what Jars of Clay sang about when they said, "Man, the trouble is, we don't know who we are instead." I had not realized where a life of people telling you how good you are could lead. How a person could go all NFL and start believing their own hype. The road I was following would lead to self righteousness. Not that big of a deal you say? Well the drug addicts, murders and criminals who had been turned by Jesus had nothing on me. Those life styles lead to jail, the gutter...to shame. At those points of hopelessness, hope is easier to grab.
But the self righteous, we are a piece of work. There is no bottoming out for us. We rise up, up and up as we stack our opinions of ourselves higher and higher and stand on top of them to shout out our greatness. Eventually the addict will find pity from people. Who pities the self righteous? We look down our noses at the sinner. We have our salvation because we were good enough to earn it, while the addict wallows in his own pit of shame due to the bad choices he has made. The self righteous are not pitied. People wait for us to fall off the pedestal that we have built for ourselves. They take joy in watching us fall. They do not come over to pick us up. Because if they do we immediately go back to climbing up on it again. We will not stay down humbled by where we are long enough to be pitied. How great is our fall and we still wind up in the same place the addict, the murder and the criminal wind up. But we are better than you. We need no one to pick us up. We need no help, because we help our selves.
How scary is that now? That kind of person is the biggest thorn in the side of the Gospel of Jesus there is. Is it no wonder that Jesus pulled no punches when dealing with the self righteous. Those who thought themselves above the sinner, the barbaric Gentile and the common man. Their position in the temple and in society gave them the comfort that they needed to know they were ok with God, not taking God's opinion into account at all. Not really knowing who God was or really wanting to know. No wonder Jesus said "You serpents, you brood of vipers, how are you to escape being sentenced to hell?" (Matt 23:13-35) He was talking to the men who were Godly in the eyes of the world. The men who old ladies pinched on the cheek when they were young and who parents pointed out to their children as examples of what to be. Men like me. What did God owe me? How did I not deserve hell? How would I escape it? I had put my faith in Christ as a child not even fully understanding why. Just knowing He was the way, the truth, and the life. (John 14:1-11) He saved me. He had grace, love and mercy for me and gave me time to not just be told what I was, but to come to understand what I was and who I could be through Jesus.
I had been playing the same games that had been played since the fall of man. Like Adam I thought I could cover my sin with my own works, my own fig leaf loincloth. But that would not last. I needed a covering of something innocent. Sacrifices seem ugly until you realize how ugly sin is to God. And innocent death seems meaningless until you realize how with each sin we kill a little more of our innocence. How with each sin we add another stripe. We take another swing of the hammer. All that from one simple question. How powerful is my God and His Truths.
And I also realized how foolish it was to envy those men and their past sins. Sin is a disease, a virus. It corrupts the body and soul and the symptoms are different from person to person, but is all caused by sin. I was envying someone who wasn't coughing up blood anymore while I only didn't have internal pain anymore. When I really should have been amazed that we both had been cured of cancer. The symptoms are different, but the problem remains the same. The self righteous play the game that Derek Webb sang about. We "trade our sins for ones easier to hide." But we are still sick. And after the cure of Jesus has been applied we are in rehab with every other believer. No matter what their symptoms. We have relapses, but we have hope. We know the cure is at work. And in the end we will be cured. We will no longer be separated from God because of sin. We will be able to look upon His face and live.
I am free.
I'm not breathing to death in my own self righteousness. Not content to live constantly patting myself on the back and looking for the same from others. I die to myself to live for God and others. Yes I said I die to live. Crazy? No. That's just what Jesus does. He turns the world upside down. It's why 2000 years later His name is still on peoples lips, either in love, hate or curiosity. He came as the ruler of the world, to save it. And how does He come? Not with a spear in His hand, but He takes one to the side. Not to be served, but to serve. Not to punish deservedly, but to be punished undeservedly.
With our rebellion to God we are His enemy in our current state. But yet He says “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) Because he did not come to judge the world, but to save the world. (John 12:44-50) Why? Because He understands the true enemy. Sin is what separates us from God. So He lived a sinless life. Death is the penalty for this disease or more accurately this curse. So He died, but broke the chains and came back. While we point at each other and say that guy is the problem, Jesus knows the real problem. He did not come to battle us, but to battle sin. He provided us a way, a cure, a battle plan. Through Him we can fight sin. Through Him we can conquer death. Who else can make that claim or provide that for us. NO ONE! Because He was sent by God with the Truth. The enemy is inside us. And as much as the self righteous want to believe the problem is everyone else, Jesus knows that the problem is in the individual. And only dealing with it one on one with each of us can the whole be fixed. And that is why Jesus is so hard on the self righteous. Because we tell the biggest lie. The best one the devil has come up with yet..."We are not the problem, everyone else is and they are hopeless." We ALL are ALL the problem, but there is hope in Jesus. And that understanding is why those addicts, murders and criminals were better Christians than me. Not because God had saved them from more. But because they understood what God had saved them from. They knew just how much of a death bed they were on while I only thought I got cured of the sniffles. That truth has changed me more than anything else I have ever known about this world or the next.
No matter what you thought of me before, now you know the truth. I am as sick as you. Stop pointing me out to your kids and point them to Jesus. And don't pinch my cheeks...because it hurts sometimes. :)
And that is my story. One among billions of other threads that make up the tapestry of this world. And our threads just crossed. You've heard my story, my witness of Jesus. What you do with it is between you and God. I have too many beams in my eye to nag you about the speck in yours. (Luke 6:39-42) But know I'm praying for you, even if I don't call you by name. Thanks for your time.
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Last Updated ( 01/14/2009 12:33 AM UTC )
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